does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
