dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's blow job season.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
