he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
