NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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