so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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