there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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