I think my fart just growled at me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
