we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
