I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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