You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
