Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
