You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This house was built for laser tag.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
