Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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