Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
