Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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