I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
