Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
