I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
