Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
