If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We got so high we made milksteak
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
