So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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