can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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