legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
