no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
