is your mom at the bar?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
