Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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