On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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