I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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