He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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