Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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