the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
