I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
