never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
