Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The air taste purple.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
