Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
