I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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