I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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