So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
