My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
