I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Couch. On fire.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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