i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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