Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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