I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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