I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
