There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We're too hungover to prance.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
