Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
