He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
