So drunk its hurt
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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