I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
