I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
