like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
