First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
