im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
