My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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